I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
