I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
