I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
