Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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