listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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