Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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