You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
