Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
