Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
