I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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