My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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