Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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