That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
