strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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