you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize