Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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