We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
