you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
