well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
