I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
