absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
