Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
