i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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