The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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