and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
