I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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