Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
