She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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