Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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