i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
