Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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