miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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