You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
