when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
