The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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