I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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