I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
