If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All I want is dick and wine.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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