You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
