I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
