hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
