I'm pants shitting drunk right now
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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