i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
