I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
