Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just had sex on a roof
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
