how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
