I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize