so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
