He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize