Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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