my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
