i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
