I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
