Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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