I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
