thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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