i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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