If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
