You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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