Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize