And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
