Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
