Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize