The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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